It says in the Bible that God will never give you more than you can bear, but I don't think I could have been pushed much further without cracking. It was during this time that I really started questioning God and asking myself "Why would He put me and my child through this?" There were times where I would literally cry out to God, begging him for help. But, that help never came.
Every day I would endure physical, mental, and emotional abuse. But he had me believing I deserved it. I truly thought I was a horrible mother and that I was insignificant. My sole purpose in life was to make sure he was taken care of. I would work 8 to 10 hours a day, sometimes six days a week, come home and cook and take care of my one year old, clean the house, go to bed, and then wake up and do it all over again. Before going to bed however, I would get a lecture about how I didn't clean the house the right way, dinner was horrible, and overall I just didn't do enough. Keep in mind that he wasn't working. I was the sole provider for the family.
At the place I was working, I was a favorite of the managers. Since I showed initiative and good ethic, they decided to hire him to stock electronics. Fast forward a couple of months, and he gets caught stealing a few hundred dollars worth of product. I had no idea about this, but since I was living with him I was considered a liability. I was terminated and he was arrested. So here I was, yet again, jobless with bills and a child. A few days later he was released, but somehow everything was my fault. I needed to go out and find another job because now he was a convicted felon. I ended up getting two jobs, but that still wasn't good enough. The fights were getting worse and worse and he was getting more violent. The road ahead of me was looking very dark. I prayed and prayed but nothing was getting better and my prayers weren't getting answered. Why wasn't God there when I needed him the most?
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