Series: Young Christian Mom~Part 4

So, he finally got a job at some sort of calling company. But, now since we were both working we needed a babysitter. His brother was staying with us so he said he would watch him in return for him living there. Well that was short lived. I came back from work one evening to find my son standing in the window of his room crying while his babysitter was sleeping. My son was in the same diaper I had put him in that morning and he had barely eaten all day. Furious is an understatement to what I felt. I immediately quit my jobs and kicked out the brother. My son’s well-being was more important than me working.

But now that meant that he was the only one making money and so bills weren’t getting paid. He was spending his money on other things he deemed more important. I later found out most of those things were pills, alcohol, and other assortments of drugs.

When I was home alone with my son was the only time I felt happy. As soon as he came back from work, everything changed. I didn’t do things I should have done. I even mentioned to him that since I wasn’t working now that I could go to school. His reply was that I was too stupid to attend college. So I put college out of my mind.

So this went on for a few months. But things weren’t getting any better. They were getting so much worse. One night I was alone with my son. He had told me that he was going to hang out with a couple of friends. It was about midnight and I heard a knock on the door. When I opened it there stood his brother. He proceeded to tell me that his brother was cheating on me at that very moment. I asked him to stay with my son for a few minutes. (He was sleeping so I knew he would be okay.) I found out where his brother was and ran all the way there. I had been there before so I knew the place and it was fairly close to where I was living. I walk in through the door to find him high on the couch with a half-naked girl. This girl was also an escort. He was high and didn’t even fully understand what was going on. I said a few words and told him to drive me back then he could do whatever he wanted.  

When we got back he gave me some stupid excuse and then started making me feel guilty when I mentioned leaving him. He talked about how we had a child together and we needed to stay in this relationship for him. I finally agreed that’s what was best for my son, and at the time I thought so. I thought maybe he would change for this child. But I was so, so wrong.

top photo: Images Money via Flicker /License/cropped |  bottom photo: Wiros via Flickr / License/cropped

Series: Young Christian Mom~Part 3

It says in the Bible that God will never give you more than you can bear, but I don't think I could have been pushed much further without cracking. It was during this time that I really started questioning God and asking myself "Why would He put me and my child through this?" There were times where I would literally cry out to God, begging him for help. But,  that help never came.

Every day I would endure physical, mental, and emotional abuse. But he had me believing I deserved it. I truly thought I was a horrible mother and that I was insignificant. My sole purpose in life was to make sure he was taken care of. I would work 8 to 10 hours a day, sometimes six days a week, come home and cook and take care of my one year old, clean the house, go to bed, and then wake up and do it all over again. Before going to bed however, I would get a lecture about how I didn't clean the house the right way, dinner was horrible, and overall I just didn't do enough. Keep in mind that he wasn't working. I was the sole provider for the family.

At the place I was working, I was a favorite of the managers. Since I showed initiative and good ethic, they decided to hire him to stock electronics. Fast forward a couple of months, and he gets caught stealing a few hundred dollars worth of product. I had no idea about this, but since I was living with him I was considered a liability. I was terminated and he was arrested. So here I was, yet again, jobless with bills and a child. A few days later he was released, but somehow everything was my fault. I needed to go out and find another job because now he was a convicted felon. I ended up getting two jobs, but that still wasn't good enough. The fights were getting worse and worse and he was getting more violent. The road ahead of me was looking very dark. I prayed and prayed but nothing was getting better and my prayers weren't getting answered. Why wasn't God there when I needed him the most?

photo courtesy of Global Panorama via Flickr | License / cropped & added special effects